Overdating: The Simple Shift That Can Save Your Relationship

From the book Overdate by Danny Kinoshita, LMFT

In a world that glorifies busyness, most couples don’t struggle because they don’t love each other—they struggle because they’ve stopped intentionally loving each other. Relationships don’t fall apart overnight; they fade from neglect long before they break from conflict.

That’s where Overdating comes in.

Overdating is the idea that you should date your partner more than you “need” to, more than what seems practical, and definitely more than what life naturally makes room for. It’s the belief that romance, connection, and intimacy thrive when you overinvest rather than under-invest.

And honestly? It’s simpler than you think.

Why Couples Drift Apart

Most couples don’t wake up one day and decide to be distant. It happens subtly:

• Work drains emotional energy

• Kids require constant attention

• Stress kills desire

• Phones steal presence

• Routine replaces pursuit

Before you know it, the relationship is functioning… but not flourishing.

Overdating is the antidote.

What Is Overdating?

Overdating means intentionally planning consistent moments of connection even when life is full and inconvenient. It’s about valuing your partner enough to protect what the world too easily steals: attention.

Overdating says:

• “I choose you—again.”

• “This relationship deserves intentional energy.”

• “Love shouldn’t wait until life gets easier.”

It’s not about grand gestures—it’s about small, repeatable ones done consistently.

The Heart Behind Overdating

Overdating taps into two emotional needs every relationship has:

1. The Need to Feel Chosen

Your partner knows you love them.But do they still feel pursued?

Overdating communicates:“You matter more than my distractions.”

2. The Need to Feel Safe

Connection creates emotional safety.When couples intentionally spend time together, trust grows, defenses soften, and communication improves.

What Overdating Looks Like

Here are simple ways to Overdate your partner:

• Send a thoughtful text during the day

• Go for a 20-minute walk together

• Have a no-phone coffee date

• Schedule a nightly “touchpoint” conversation

• Plan a small surprise

• Share one thing you appreciate about them daily

• Do something fun that isn’t productive

You don’t need money to Overdate—just presence.

Why Overdating Works

Consistency matters more than intensity.

The couples who thrive aren’t the ones having dramatic weekend getaways—they’re the ones who maintain micro-moments of connection throughout the week.

When you Overdate your partner:

• Resentment decreases

• Conflict resolves faster

• Attraction returns

• Teamwork improves

• Emotional distance shrinks

Small deposits prevent big withdrawals.

The Overdate Challenge

Start here:

Overdate your partner once a day for 10 days.

Each day, choose one intentional act of connection:

• A compliment

• A question

• A shared laugh

• A dessert together

• A short walk

• A note

• A hug

Watch what happens.

Final Thoughts

We fall in love through intentional effort—and we fall out of love through unintentional neglect.

Overdating is simply choosing to never stop doing the things that built your relationship in the first place.

Your relationship deserves that level of intentionality.

—

Danny Kinoshita, LMFT